by Nick Literski, Seattle[This story was first published in May, 2011 - and became the inspiration for the "My PrEP Experience" series on the gay men's health blog called LifeLube, sharing the real stories of people who have chosen to use PrEP. This re-published post officially launches "My PrEP Experience" as it's very own blog today. Just this week on May 21, Nick and his partner were featured in an ABC news story about Truvada as PrEP titled "Truvada Helps Couple Cope With Reality of Love and HIV."]
Recently, I was surprised to learn that I had allegedly “given up on gay men.”
According to Michael Weinstein, president and founder of the so-called “AIDS Healthcare Foundation,” I now consider the lives of gay men, including myself, “disposable.” What great crime have I committed to deserve Mr. Weinstein’s condemnation? I take Truvada once a day, as pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), in order to protect myself from HIV infection.
My partner and I have a mutually open relationship. In reaching that point, we did the responsible things that a new couple should do to protect themselves. We used condoms until we’d been together long enough to rely on HIV testing. We then chose to be fluid bonded, while always playing “safe” with other sexual partners. Every six months, we were both dutifully tested for the HIV virus, usually going to the local testing facility together. We were screened on a regular basis for other sexually transmitted infections. If we made a mistake with regard to our agreed precautions (and yes, I did so on at least one occasion) we were honest with each other.
About two years into our relationship, we were surprised to hear that my partner’s HIV test was “inconclusive,” and that the testing facility would be submitting it for further testing. A week later, we called back for the final report, and were relieved when an obviously hurried staffer told my partner he was “just fine.” We continued our very active sex life, which almost always involved me being the receptive partner in anal intercourse. During the next few months, however, my normally robust partner had an unusual number of illnesses, particularly skin infections. He became suspicious, and since we were nearly due for our six month testing anyway, he scheduled another test.
As I sat in the waiting area, I received a two word text from my partner: “I’m positive.”
To make matters worse, the staffer had pulled my partner’s chart, and found that his last “inconclusive” test had actually been positive. Due to the mistake of a careless (former) staffer, we had received an incorrect report.
As traumatizing as it was for my partner to find out that he was HIV positive, and as angry as he was about the earlier false report, he was truly terrified that he had exposed me to the virus innumerable times over the past several months. I was promptly tested, and we were relieved to learn that both my rapid testing and RNA results were negative.
Even so, my partner continued to experience tremendous anxiety over the possibility of infecting someone he loved. His worry extended to all sorts of seemingly-mundane possibilities, even to the point of not wanting me to share the same handle on our interchangeable-head electric toothbrush. While it’s normal for newly-seroconverted men to experience high levels of anxiety regarding sex, the impact on our intimate life was profound. My partner had experienced enough broken condom incidents over the years that his concerns weren’t alleviated by using them. At the same time, it was difficult for me to adapt to continuous condom use, due to both physical discomfort and my own emotional response to a physical barrier. Sex became much less frequent, and was burdened by worry and frustration.
In time, and with the help of an outstanding physician, my partner’s viral load became undetectable. In the meantime, both of us had educated ourselves on HIV. We knew that a Swiss study indicated that the risk of my being infected by my partner was now extremely low (due to his undetectable viral load), even to the point that some physicians in Switzerland believed protection was unnecessary.
My partner was able to relax more, and we began to settle into the “new normal” of being a serodiscordant couple.Even at this stage, however, there were emotional challenges.
I still hated using condoms, and I still wanted to feel my partner inside me.
